dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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