Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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