someone threw a dead crab at me
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
