I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
