the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
