I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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