He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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