I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
