Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
why do cheetos always look like penises
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
