I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
