My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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