shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
