I wish I could teleport
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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