fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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