She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
