the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
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i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
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I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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