True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
