I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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