you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
