Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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