I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
