I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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