This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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