Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
And then my night got REAL pukey
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
