you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
