All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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