oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Randomize
