so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
