The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
