so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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