So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
