Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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