My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
