So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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