I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
