I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
