I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
