The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
The beer is more important than you right now.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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