Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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