Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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