You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
