I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
