Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
