was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
