I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
