What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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