Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The ass gains better be worth it
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