peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
