Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
