I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
