Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
