On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
