I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
