You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
