Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
