Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize